When I finally fall asleep at night, I dream of my mom….she just looks at me.
I wake up feeling so sorry that she’s gone- but knowing she is in a better place, not sick, and not hurting. I miss her.
This afternoon, I fell asleep for the nap I’m long overdue for– I’m just so tired.
I dreamed I was at a graduation with Courtney. She had walked off some place, and I was on the front row listening to the speaker.
Courtney ran up to whisper in my ear that she saw my dad there.
I have wanted to sit and pour out my heart to him…and about so many things, but most especially, about how much I miss Mama.
As I look over to see where he is, he’s gone. I run out the building, frantically looking for him…beginning to weep, but he’s gone. He’s just gone.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
I want to blink and be back in January- long before cancer had touched my family.
I know the Lord has a plan, and I know He knows I hurt right now.
My mind thinks on things like knowing my babies have no grandmother. Doesn’t every child need to know the love of a sweet grandma?
My babies are missing her, too. Yesterday, Meredith came to me to say she missed Grandmommy. She would sit for long lengths of time just talking about anything and everything. I come into the family room often to find her or one of my other littles sitting in Mama’s chair.
I am left to figure out how to pick up pieces and I just don’t know how.