February 19, 2013

Tracy / February 20, 2013

Today has been so hard.

My mama called her work and talked to them about short term disablity.  It seems this process is going to be easy but means a cut in pay.  She has told me she’s pretty concerned about making medical payments.  I’m not sure how much cancer treatments are, nor how much insurance pays.  If it’s anything like Jessa’s medical bills (and I can’t imagine it not being more), it’s going to be a lot of money.

We never heard from the doctor’s office to schedule the CT scans.  How hard can this be?  It is cruel to make people wait to find out something so important.  I just don’t understand.  I do think if this doesn’t change, we may be finding a new doctor soon.  Tomorrow morning, I’m going to start calling his office.  When they called last time from the office I wrote the number down on my caller ID- I think it’s the direct line to the scheduler.  Perhaps she’ll be a little easier to reach this time.

Mama asked me to take her to see my grandmother.  She also said she would like to go by the thrift store.

She’s been going a lot.  I’m not sure I’ve understood why- though I do shop there, I only go every once in a while when I’m looking for something specific.  She’s started going quite a bit each week.

So today, she starts telling me about the people there.  The man who hums hymns as he works, the woman who wears a beautiful wig and seems so distant…mom has tried to friend her.  The little ones who play while their mama shops.  The Christian music that plays over the speaker in the store.

I think she has developed a ministry of sorts, or maybe they are a ministry to her…I’m not sure.  She mentioned how she would sometime like to buy broken items there, fix them up and re-donate them so they can make more for their ministry.  It was so sweet as I listened.

It was in the thrift store that she told me she needed to go and sit down.  She had been dizzy and nauseated most of the morning.  I really was unsure about going out, but she was determined to see my grandmother and I think she had missed the folks at this thrift store.

I’m sad to think these people may never know how special they are to her.

We left there to pay a bill and go by her house.  She has not allowed us at her home in many years.  I was stunned when I saw her yard.  I don’t ever remember her yard looking so ran down.  I’ve tried to respect her wishes to allow her to handle her home but I’m wondering now if it was a mistake.

It’s so sad to know she pours herself out to those around her and yet, has such a hard time allowing others to give to her.

I was relieved on the way home to hear that she may be open to the boys going this weekend just to clean the front yard while she visits again with my grandmother.

Visiting with my grandmother was maybe one of the hardest things I’ve *ever* done in my entire life.

My grandmother was terribly confused today.

My mom felt so bad she just laid her head over on the wall.  I know that some place deep in her mind, my grandmother knows something is wrong.

On a funny note, at one point, my grandmother told me that Paul had done well by marrying and bringing me into the family (she thought Paul was her grandson).

She did look over at my mom and tell her “you know I love you, girl”.  My mom started to cry.  My grandmother started to cry.  I started to cry.

It was hard to look at them and wonder how much longer I will have either.  I just don’t think I can take the pain I’m feeling.  It seems like too much.  I feel so broken tonight.

Tomorrow, I have to change gears.  After doctor phone calls, I have a special day to celebrate.  It’s Timothy’s birthday.  It’s so strange to be in this place…caught between so many different seasons of life.

I do wonder when I’m in the store, or when I am out- do I look different?  Can people tell I feel like I’m falling apart?  I want to scream at everyone to stop going about their normal life.  “My mama has stage 4 cancer!  Please stop going about your normal lives.  I just need you to stop and realize this is big.”

Cancer really does feel so big.  It feels horrible and wrong.

Then I realize that *nothing* is bigger than God.  I realize, in the end, if I lose her, it is really a gain.  No more pain for her.  Why am I so selfish?

Tonight, I’m not so mad at my dad.  I feel sorry for him, really.  I think he was probably the love of her life.  She would have been a devoted, good wife.  She could have been a friend.

He will never know what he lost.

I have not spoken with my own husband a whole lot.  I know he’s working so much right now.

I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why the Lord has not allowed him a job closer to home.  I hate him traveling like he does.  We all miss him so…we all need him.  I need him right now.

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