May 8, 2013

I’m not sure my body has ever felt so weary.

I lay in bed for long lengths of time thinking over the past months, and especially over the last week and I want to be sick.

It’s the most odd feeling to think of this year.  January seemed like a fresh year…who would know five months later we would be changed forever.  It’s almost too much to understand.

Two days ago, I stood by my mama’s body, shaking hands,  weeping, and hearing one person after another tell me how much they loved her.

These past months seem like a blur.  On Monday, I was supposed to have attended a Cancer support group meeting with her.  Sunday, being Mother’s Day, was supposed to be a happy day of celebration with my family.  This coming Monday was a scheduled CAT scan to track the disease in her body.

Our weeks have been hard to describe to the outside world.  My mom, growing weaker and weaker, had a hard time showering, much less doing anything else.  We made her meals and washed her clothes. When she first arrived, she would fold clothes for us.  She read lots of books to my littles, worked to teach Emma to crochet (she taught her to write her name and whistle when she broke her legs a few years back), and fell in love with Pinterest.  🙂

It was an adjustment to make (having someone here all the time), but mostly, I loved having her here.  I enjoyed chatting with her through the day while I went about my work.  We would watch the littles playing in the backyard.  She taught Jackson to wave good-bye.  I would laugh and ask her if she was tired of the chaos that is so natural to our family…just a part of life in a home with lots of littles.  She often told me she loved the noise…she said it was happy noise and it made her days joyful and pass faster than if she were at home alone.

Today, I’m waking tearful.  I wake up many times during the night thinking I’m hearing her cane coming toward the restroom.  When the phone rings, I automatically think, “it’s Grandmommy”.  I’m shaken to see her handwriting on the papers she had in her room.

I miss my mama.

Many folks have commented on what a great daughter I am because I allowed her to come stay, and because we took care of her.  What I would like all of you to know is that my mama was VERY independent. She would always have tried to take care of herself in her own home before coming here.  She GAVE us a gift by coming here and allowing us to care for her and to have these many months of day-to-day time with her.

I am left with many, many memories of her.

I went to visit with my grandmother a couple of days after she passed.  I think I needed to touch her, and to hear her voice.  I just needed to be near her.  The Lord blessed me so- my grandmother knew who I was and remembered what had happened.  She was a comfort and a blessing to me.

My mom would be so touched by the love so many of you have shown.  I think she always worried about me and my family above herself.

While cancer may have defined how she died, it DID NOT define how she lived.  She was a beautiful, wonderful mama.  I loved her very much.

I sent this to a family member this morning:
“We can’t look back.  We must move forward.  While the Lord’s plans for her life were made complete, His plans for us are not.

That’s hard because while I feel like curling up in a ball and sobbing, I have littles that need me to smile at them today.  I have meals that need to be cooked, clothes that need to be washed, a husband to encourage, friends to thank, and I have to remember to be thankful, because THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.  I will find a way to rejoice and be glad because we are told to “count it all joy when we face trials of many kinds”…..

Sharing my hurting heart but knowing the Lord that put the world in place is my comfort and my strength,




3 thoughts on “May 8, 2013

  1. So happy to see you writing and sharing your heart. I know writing is therapeutic for me. I think sometimes the days after the memorial service are almost the hardest times. Everyone has gone home and back to their normal routines, but you are just wondering if there will ever be a “normal routine” again. Then there are the milestones – birthdays, holidays, etc. Unfortunately, you’re facing one of those really difficult ones this weekend. I hope it will be another celebration of her life and remembering all the wonderful times. My prayers continue to be with you and your family as we both think about our moms walking on those streets of gold! Love you, Tracy.

    1. Oh Sheryl. That is EXACTLY how I feel. I look around and everyone else seems to be living a normal life. I just feel broken.
      Thank you for being so encouraging!

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