One year ago today, at this moment, I was sitting in a hospital waiting room.

The morning had been uneventful…well, if you count me making a wrong turn on the interstate and us ending up quite a bit late. She and I laughed pretty much all the way to the hospital. I was convinced she would never let me drive her car again (or at least not when we had to be there by a certain time!).

My Mama was scheduled for what we thought was a routine hysterectomy.

We arrived and she was immediately taken back to a room.

They ran a few tests.

I prayed for her, and I cried.

I was told to go down to the main waiting room.

I had taken some crochet work (or maybe it was knitting? I can’t remember….) and I sat quietly praying over Mama and wondering if this surgery would make her feel better. (A couple of the doctors in prior weeks had told us they thought she would be feeling much better after the surgery.)

My Uncle Tommy and Aunt Cathy came along. They were holding coffee and he asked if I would like some…I chuckled. Now if he had asked me if I wanted cocoa- that may have been different. I hadn’t eaten that morning and being a nursing mom, I was hungry but also had a feeling of nausea that I knew wouldn’t allow me to eat. Even so, the coffee DID smell so good and was comforting in a weird sort of way. I was glad they were there.

I had sat and waited on Mama by myself when she broke her legs. I decided then, I really should never be in a waiting room like that by myself again. While I know it doesn’t bother some, waiting to hear news on my only parent, was very hard on me.

Paul was on the road.

Up until they arrived, I chatted on and off with the folks around me. They were all waiting on someone special to them.

I thought about my mama…as always, she was brave and didn’t tear up until I prayed over her that morning. I told her I loved her.

The wait seemed endless. Looking back, I don’t remember how long the surgery actually took- it was quite some time.

I had an odd sense of both peace and apprehension that morning.

Eventually, her surgeon did come down to the waiting area. He asked if he could speak to me privately in the conference room there. He said the words that I can’t erase from my mind. He explained they had found something surprising and disappointing. While the hysterectomy had gone just as it should, they had found a mass (we would later find out it was the size of a softball), growing in her omentum and part of her uterus. He explained that he thought what he was seeing was uterine cancer and if that be the case, would mean she had stage 4 cancer.

I had liked her surgeon from our first discussions. He seemed very open and very honest. He was a fair complected man. It was obvious he was shaken by having to break this news. I remember looking up at him and his cheeks and ears were so red. I told him
that the news didn’t really surprise me. He shared that he really was surprised – it was not at all what he was expecting.

I began to weep. I began to uncontrollably weep. My uncle placed his arm around me.
He has always been so kind and loving to me…so many times, he has been there when my own father was not.

I got up to walk from the room but was told I could stay for a few minutes, if I would like- at some point, my Aunt Cathy also joined us. I was so grateful for both of them being there…they have always been steady as a rock. I was feeling far less than steady.

I gathered my things and left the conference room. When I walked back out into the waiting room, I could feel the eyes on me. I know they all knew- isn’t this what so many of us dread hearing when a loved one is going in for surgery. I think it is the worst possible outcome.

There were many thoughts running through my head and many phone calls to be made that day. My heart was just broken.

While Mama rested, I would research …what exactly is stage 4 cancer?? We learn more in the following days. For that moment, I just knew she was so very sick.

The year that has followed has been difficult. Mama was gone in a matter of months. While I have prayed that God would give me grace and strength to shoulder all that I knew I would face, I know I have fallen so short.

Blogging is just not the place to share all the details, but her death was only the beginning of the events that seemed to dominate last year.

I made a decision to not let some things follow me into the new year. For my family (and for myself), I knew I had to move forward. Mama was so much stronger than I am…I know she would have been so upset over this past year but she would have told me to pick up and go forward.

The Lord has been gracious beyond measure to me– He seems to have made Himself known at every corner. We were never alone. How grateful I am for each and every detail of His provision.

As these days have approached, there has been some lingering sadness in my home. Even a couple of my youngest children still talk about “Grandmommy” almost every day.

I have had letters and emails from friends who have lost parents of their own.

Even yesterday, dreading today, I had a friend ask if she could come have tea with us. We sat and laughed and shared life. It was just what I needed yesterday. I thought so much last night about how much better I was feeling- sometimes it just helps to share that you are hurting with someone who cares.

Please keep us in your prayers today and in the coming months. Courtney and I are both thinking this season has been so hard because it is one of firsts…this being the one year anniversary of when it all started. I do hope this gets easier.

I’m not angry with the cancer anymore. I’m not angry with her doctor. I’m not even angry with her for waiting so long to find out what was happening.

I loved my Mama.

I miss her so terribly. Some days it feels like my heart is just broken.

I guess I always thought she would be here until she was old- Paul and I had already started discussing how to have her move here when she retired. It feels some days like there is just a huge hole left in my life.

This is my post from last year on this day.

My mama is with her Lord this morning. I am happy for her. I’m just still a little sad for me, I think.