March 13, 2013

This week has been so full of doctor appointments.

Yesterday, we met the chemo doctors.  Today, mom had surgery to place the catheter that will deliver the chemo meds to her body.

It was hard to see her going through so much.

Tomorrow, is the first chemo therapy treatment.  I know that it’s not a cure for my mom.  I hope it will buy us a little more time together.  That said, we did have a discussion today on whether or not she even wants to take chemo.  She’s decided for now to go forward.

Tonight, I cut my mom’s hair.  She’s wanted to donate it to Wigs for Kids before it can fall out.  We carefully bound it in cable ties and cut it off.

With each pass of the scissors, I think I died a little.

All the memories of childhood came flooding back…times of brushing my mom’s long hair.  She’s always had long hair.

Tonight, she’s going to bed with very short, layered hair…I did my best and I think it looks cute but I’m so sad inside.  I’ve never in my life seen my mom with short hair.  Soon, there will be none.

I hate cancer.  I hate cancer.  I hate cancer.

My children have quietly cried in my arms these last few nights.  I don’t know what to do except just hold them.  Grandmommy is so sick.  I wish I could make this all go away.

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