February 23, 2013

Tracy / February 23, 2013

Today, my mom allowed us to go and work on her front yard.  She visited with my grandmother while we trimmed, cut, cleaned and raked.  We got a lot done, but there is still a lot more than needs to be done.  I am so thankful she allowed us to help.

Afterward, we met her back at my grandmother’s nursing home, visited with her for a few minutes and headed to the thrift store (my mom’s favorite place!), and then to lunch and the library.

Mama’s tired tonight.

I’m thankful for these days I have with my mom.

I almost hate that Monday will soon be here and I’ll have to face this nasty “c” again.  I enjoy living oblivious to the underlying issue poisoning my mother’s body.

I know she’s in pain.  She wants so much to hold Jackson and will for a little while.  Then his little wiggles become too much (within a short time), and she asks for someone else to hold him.

Today, in the car she spoke of wills and belongings.  It was hard to have the discussion but I know it’s one we must have.  I look at my little ones and wonder how I’ll ever soothe the pain that I know they are going to feel- they love her so very much.  She adores them all and constantly tells them how proud she is of each of them.

She mentioned last night how sad it is to know that they are so young and will only have one living grandparent left.  It makes me sad, too.  I have to remind myself that God knows all of this pain.  Even in this, we are never outside the stretch of His hand.  I think I’m still in shock over it all.

My sweet friend, Christy, has been such a blessing to me.  She’s listened in a way that not many have- she’s allowed me to share all that I’m feeling without telling me it’s wrong, or just not that bad.  She suggested that I am being a little too hard on myself and that I’m going to have to give myself time to adjust to this “new normal”.  I really hadn’t thought of it like that, but it gives me a strange sense of peace to know that though this is going to be hard, maybe adjusting, at least to the idea, will get easier.

Today, we also talked about my dad.  She told me she met him on a blind date.  He left for Vietnam three weeks afterwards.

She also, out of the blue, mentioned her granny and my great-grandmother’s mother.  She said she loved her granny and had fond memories of her but barely remembers much of my great-grandmother’s mother and her death.

I wonder if she is thinking about my littles and if they will remember her?  I see her tearing up so much more these last few days.

It’s almost more than I can take.

How do you face this??  How do you prepare?  In one cold, awful morning I feel like my entire world has changed.  I just can’t imagine my life without my mother.

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