Two Months

Just breathe.

Try and make it through this day.  That is my only goal.

Two months today.  

I woke up in tears this morning.

I closed my eyes to try and relive those moments during the last weeks. I’ve tried to replay conversations I had with her.

In some ways, it seems like just yesterday and in others, it seems like it’s been too long since I’ve seen her face.

Paul asked if I would like to go and visit Mama’s grave today while we were out.  We pulled into the gates and drove up that hill.  How many times have I been in this place?
When I stepped from the car, again, I had to remind myself to breathe.

One step at a time, I made my way to her little place and I began to weep uncontrollably.  I sat on my knees and placed my face against that cold stone.
I feel so ashamed as I looked up to see the words across it which remind me to trust in God.  I know, Great-Grandmother.  It was as if she was reminding me to continue to on….
My dear husband.  I know he worries for me.  He walked over to stand by me, I laid my head over on his leg and continued to cry.  It’s as if someone has turned on a faucet- I just couldn’t stop.

I managed to pull myself together and walk to the car.

We headed to see my grandmother.  When so many of the details of her life seem to get all jumbled up, she always seems to remember me.  I’m thankful.

She told me she was preparing to go to work but would linger a bit since Paul and I were there to visit.  I was glad to sit with her for a while.  She was preparing for dinner when we left.

She was just what I needed, I think.  She gave me that sweet, grandma smile and told me I was beautiful.
She told me she knew I was sad and missing my mama.

I feel like I don’t deserve her.  She soothes my heart.

…and so, I’ve made it through the day.  I have much to be thankful for- the Lord is good.

These past months seem surreal.  Some moments stand out in my mind- watching a bunch of pink balloons stuck in a tree outside while I was waiting on Mama to come from surgery.  (A reminder of new life, I think.)

My dear husband.  I think he knows my thoughts.  He knows me only second to my Father.  He shows me love at times when I feel so broken.  He reminds me the sun will come up tomorrow.  He prays for me.  I could ask for no better man.  The Lord knew just what this southern girl needed.

My beloved children.  I love each and every one of them.   Just today, someone asked why I would want to have 12 children- they really just don’t know.  Each and every one has been comforting. Even little Jackson.  When the days were filled with heartache, I could arrive home to nurse him and peace just swept over me.

My friends, who are more like family.  They have been there to encourage- and to pick me up along the way.  I can see you- I stumble and you help.  You dust me off and wipe away tears.  I love you, ladies.

Tomorrow is a new day.

The Doxology

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.


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