May 14, 2013

When I finally fall asleep at night, I dream of my mom….she just looks at me.

I wake up feeling so sorry that she’s gone- but knowing she is in a better place, not sick, and not hurting.  I miss her.

This afternoon, I fell asleep for the nap I’m long overdue for– I’m just so tired.

I dreamed I was at a graduation with Courtney.  She had walked off some place, and I was on the front row listening to the speaker.
Courtney ran up to whisper in my ear that she saw my dad there.
I have wanted to sit and pour out my heart to him…and about so many things, but most especially, about how much I miss Mama.
As I look over to see where he is, he’s gone.  I run out the building, frantically looking for him…beginning to weep, but he’s gone.  He’s just gone.

I hate this.  I hate this.  I hate this.

I want to blink and be back in January- long before cancer had touched my family.

I know the Lord has a plan, and I know He knows I hurt right now.
My mind thinks on things like knowing my babies have no grandmother.  Doesn’t every child need to know the love of a sweet grandma?

My babies are missing her, too.  Yesterday, Meredith came to me to say she missed Grandmommy.  She would sit for long lengths of time just talking about anything and everything.  I come into the family room often to find her or one of my other littles sitting in Mama’s chair.

I am left to figure out how to pick up pieces and I just don’t know how.

2 thoughts on “May 14, 2013

  1. You are still in my prayers. ;( Isaiah 40:28-31 – Psalm 91 – Romans 12:15 – Hebrews 13:5b – Psalm 100:3.

    He will never leave you, nor forsake you. I know you know this full well, but by way of some small encouragement I wanted to say it again. In the spirit of bearing one another’s burdens, I pray again this moment for a fresh outpouring of the peace that passes all understanding, to keep your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Our God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory in Christ – I pray for the comfort of His Holy Spirit, and a joyful sense of the hope of our eternal, glorious home in the very presence of God, when He shall at last wipe away all tears from our eyes. In the words of Christ from 2 Cor. 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” May the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, Who does not grow weary or faint, and Whose understanding is unsearchable, uphold and sustain you by His mercy, and give solace to your grieving heart by the power of His unending, unfailing, unchanging love. The trials of this life are no surprise to Him, and He will never allow one of His own to bear too great a burden – the shoulders that bore the cross to Calvary are mighty still, risen from the grave itself. I cannot understand myself just how hard all this is for you, but oh yes, our Savior does.

    “Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side. Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; in every change, He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul! Thy best, thy heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.” Be Still My Soul #347

    With love and prayer,
    Daniel ♫

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