It’s been a hard week.

I feel like I’m fine, like I’m ok, and then as a wave rushing over me, I’m back.
I’m crying. I’m broken.

Tonight, I stood in the store trying to find Jackson’s birthday gift.

The thought passes through my head– my mama is going to miss Jackson’s first birthday.

He’ll never remember sitting in her lap.

His favorite two toys are things she made for him. He plays so happily, oblivious to all that has happened.

Since Paul’s mama is also gone, there will be no more rocking from grandmothers.

Shouldn’t every child know the feeling of snuggling up close to a grandma?

It just makes me so sad for them. It makes me so sad for me.

…and what do I know? The Lord God placed the Earth ….does He not know what is best here, too?

Most definitely, He does.

I feel so selfish sometimes. I want to take that horrible night back. I want to erase the days this month- I want to turn back time.

What I really need- more of Him, less of me.

Grieving tonight,

Tracy