Mother’s Day is approaching. There are many, still very raw thoughts, and many feelings.
I realize I probably share more than most are comfortable with, or even care to read. 😀
This time of year, it is easy to think on my mom and her passing. I’m still very much grieving. I’m not sure you ever really stop grieving over someone you loved so much. The loss just becomes part of who you are, I think.
You learn to live around grief. I would like to think I honor her memory in the way I live my life. Knowing her, she would have told you I was probaby her greatest accommplishment. (Mommas say the things that speak to your heart your entire life. :D)
This year, instead of thinking about her being gone, my mind was filled with another memory. It was something I have not thought on for many years. In fact, I’m not sure what brought it to mind, but it lingers.
I can’t stop the thought that I am supposed to be sharing. It may only be for me, and even that is okay. This entire week, I’ve lost sleep- I’ve thought over every single detail I can remember. My only answer is, “Yes, Lord.”, so I’m posting what I can remember. (…and saying thank you to the Lord for a husband who hears the concerns of my heart and encourages me to follow the Lord’s leading. I love you, Paul. <3)
The year I was 12 years old, I was horrible to my mama. I remember her crying, in part because she was overwhelmed with her life that was becoming ever-more complicated, and a big part I think, she saw me moving in a direction that scared her. (Mommas consider their children all the time- something I didn’t know, and I couldn’t know, until I became a mom myself.)
On one particular morning, I remember being very hateful to her. I don’t even remember why. I do remember going to school and talking so hatefully about her to my friends. Instantly, I knew I was wrong. I felt so bad the entire day. I knew she loved me. I knew she wasn’t perfect, and she didn’t pretend to be. She was doing the best she could to raise me mostly alone.
She loved me with a big love and I had just done something so awful. I was a horrible person.
As the morning hours passed, my heart was grieved over how I had hurt her. She never knew. I never told her. I still wish so much that I could go back and apologize now. I do owe her an apology.
-But, the days are short and her’s are done.
That day did change my life. The Lord allowed me to see my sin. It was not seen by my mom, though committed against her, but it was known by the Lord and it was known by me.
I did not want to be that person anymore.
I don’t remember so much about that year of my life, only that I had a dream shortly after this incident when I saw members of my family in heaven, only, they were looking down on me, and I was not there. My heart hurt. I prayed that the Lord might make me a new person. All those things my great-grandmother had so patiently taught, all those times my precious mama would share the Word with me- they were all in my heart and the Lord stirred within me a beautiful new life and I was forever changed.
“To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”
He makes beautiful the ugly parts of our lives.
The Lord has been good to me.
Some things never change.
Every single day, every single month, every single year I miss my mom. I am thankful to God that He allowed her to be my mom for the number of days I had her. His plans are perfect.
Likewise, every single day, every single month, every single year, I am thankful for the lives the Lord has grown inside of my body, and even those I never held in my arms. They continue to grow me in ways I never imagined. They are each unique and each so beautiful. When I see their precious faces, I am overwhelmed with God’s goodness to me. He has given me more than I will ever deserve. If they could look inside my heart, they would see a love that I didn’t even know was possible until I became their mother. My heart sings a beautiful song for each of them and I am a better person for having had them. My heart’s desire is that I might see the spirit of God stir inside each and every one of their souls.
More so, every single day, every single month, and every single year, I am so thankful for the patient love the Lord shows to me. He tenderly guides me through my days and years. I miserably fail many times and in so many ways. I am grateful for His mercy and His forgiveness. I’m thankful He called me by name and I’m thankful He is the lifter of my head.
“But you, O Lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the Lord,
and He answered me from His holy hill. Selah
I lay down and slept;
I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.”
If you don’t have a relationship with the Lord, I would love to pray for you and with you. There is nothing too big, you are not too far gone- the Father loves you with a BIG, forgiving, ALL CONSUMING love. All you need is to believe in Him and on Him.
” But what does it say? “The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart” (that is, the word of faith that we proclaim); because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.” For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Praise be to the Lord!
To those who gather here, and those who pray, and those who are loving me through difficult seasons- thank you, sweet friends. I love you dearly.
With my love,