Some days are just hard.
I keep thinking this just has to get better, but then another day comes. There are
some better days, but then others, when I wake up just feeling sad.
I re-live specific moments in the past year.
There are many things I would like to ask her now….many things where I just need some direction….many things I don’t understand.
It’s all hard to explain.
In any case, as always, I would appreciate prayer.
We are going into Christmas week. I think I cried most of Thanksgiving on, and off.
We did have a good day. I just missed her and I hurt over what this year has brought.
It all seems surreal.
I’ve thought long and hard about 2013 and what I pray over 2014. I’ve learned much and I think I’ve grown. I’m definitely going to be wiser. I guess those are good things.
So, what started this- well, I woke up this morning and got into the shower.
Waves of grief hit me at the most odd times.
My morning started well, but at some point, one glimpse of a visit to her doctor in the spring began to replay in my mind.
She only requested a copy of HER scan. She wanted to see with her own eyes what she had been told was taking her life.
She was told no while I was sitting there, a few times. She went back for her treatment.
I went to find her physician’s assistant, (the one assigned to oversee her care).
I asked if I could speak with her. She told me she didn’t have time since she was seeing other patients.
I was upset because I needed to know if what I was seeing at home was normal. I explained I only needed a moment.
I told her I was concerned because Mama had been so out of breath. She assured me all was normal and that it was just part of chemo-therapy.
I asked why they would not allow her to see her scan. Mama had been told no by her doctor during previous visits. The x-ray technician told her that was not true and that they could bring those scans up on their laptops in the office.
I don’t think it was too much for them to allow her to see her own illness, if that was what she needed.
I began to weep. I just couldn’t stop it from coming. I told them (by this time there were several people standing around), it was horrible how they treated their cancer patients. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t do something so simple.
After a several minute conversation, I dried my face. It was time to go back and check on Mama. She could tell I had been upset and asked why.
Just a couple of minutes after I came into the room, in came another woman….wouldn’t you know, they had a copy of her scan. Mama was happy that we would be able to finally see her lungs, (that is what most concerned her).
She passed away within the next week.
I have many friends who have lived through things like this- I feel like I suffering from trauma- both from the first part of the year, and these past months.
It has been a difficult year.
I want to know from others…when do you stop re-living these moments? When do you find peace with your mind?
It’s hard not to think about and sometimes I do manage it, but there are other times, I just can’t stop it…I can’t tell you how many times I have thought over the events of her surgeon telling me just how sick she was- I just don’t know how I would have managed that moment without my uncle being there. I can close my eyes and still see the sadness in her surgeon as he told me this news.
Cancer units are lonely. They are full of people grasping for hope. They are full of broken hearts and shattered dreams.
I’m thankful to the Lord for seeing me through this seemingly, impossible year.
I’m sorry to be depressing, I guess I just feel “weathered” tonight.