Tracy / December 16, 2013

Some days are just hard.

I keep thinking this just has to get better, but then another day comes. There are
some better days, but then others, when I wake up just feeling sad.

I re-live specific moments in the past year.

There are many things I would like to ask her now….many things where I just need some direction….many things I don’t understand.

It’s all hard to explain.

In any case, as always, I would appreciate prayer.

We are going into Christmas week. I think I cried most of Thanksgiving on, and off.

We did have a good day. I just missed her and I hurt over what this year has brought.

It all seems surreal.

I’ve thought long and hard about 2013 and what I pray over 2014. I’ve learned much and I think I’ve grown. I’m definitely going to be wiser. I guess those are good things.

So, what started this- well, I woke up this morning and got into the shower.

Waves of grief hit me at the most odd times.

My morning started well, but at some point, one glimpse of a visit to her doctor in the spring began to replay in my mind.

She only requested a copy of HER scan. She wanted to see with her own eyes what she had been told was taking her life.

She was told no while I was sitting there, a few times. She went back for her treatment.

I went to find her physician’s assistant, (the one assigned to oversee her care).

I asked if I could speak with her. She told me she didn’t have time since she was seeing other patients.

I was upset because I needed to know if what I was seeing at home was normal. I explained I only needed a moment.

I told her I was concerned because Mama had been so out of breath. She assured me all was normal and that it was just part of chemo-therapy.

I asked why they would not allow her to see her scan. Mama had been told no by her doctor during previous visits. The x-ray technician told her that was not true and that they could bring those scans up on their laptops in the office.

I don’t think it was too much for them to allow her to see her own illness, if that was what she needed.

I began to weep. I just couldn’t stop it from coming. I told them (by this time there were several people standing around), it was horrible how they treated their cancer patients. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t do something so simple.

After a several minute conversation, I dried my face. It was time to go back and check on Mama. She could tell I had been upset and asked why.

Just a couple of minutes after I came into the room, in came another woman….wouldn’t you know, they had a copy of her scan. Mama was happy that we would be able to finally see her lungs, (that is what most concerned her).

She passed away within the next week.

I have many friends who have lived through things like this- I feel like I suffering from trauma- both from the first part of the year, and these past months.

It has been a difficult year.

I want to know from others…when do you stop re-living these moments? When do you find peace with your mind?

It’s hard not to think about and sometimes I do manage it, but there are other times, I just can’t stop it…I can’t tell you how many times I have thought over the events of her surgeon telling me just how sick she was- I just don’t know how I would have managed that moment without my uncle being there. I can close my eyes and still see the sadness in her surgeon as he told me this news.

Cancer units are lonely. They are full of people grasping for hope. They are full of broken hearts and shattered dreams.

I’m thankful to the Lord for seeing me through this seemingly, impossible year.

I’m sorry to be depressing, I guess I just feel “weathered” tonight.

5 thoughts on “Sadness

  1. I’m so very sorry your having a hard time today i know how you feel though my mother died when i qas nine and went to live with my grandma.Grandma died when i was 23 and it was really hard and i used to think that it got easier but now with time but now with not ever having a woman to confide in its really hard to not be able to pick up the phone and say help! when my day is going bad i cry a lot. some days. As for the re living moments they don’t go away either but i try to remember good ones and when i get really sad i talk to her i know she won’t answer but i know in my heart. what she would say and it comforts me.

  2. Tracy,

    I’m sorry to hear of your sadness. There’s nothing wrong with you; you loved your mom! You spent your life with her, you aren’t going to forget her or the memories that you made with her in a matter of a few months. You should also remember that being pregnant can easily trigger your emotions 🙂 I still have dreams of holding my sister’s hand as she drew her last breath. I dream that I should have done something different in her last hours. But I did what God put on my heart and I think Satan just wants to jab me and tell me that I messed up. Well, he’s wrong! God chooses the timing of everyone’s death. I know how well you cared for your mom, even in her final hours. She certainly didn’t die because she wasn’t loved! She was SURROUNDED by love! And when she entered Heaven’s gates, she was surrounded by another kind of love, that we can only imagine here on earth.

    Heavenly Father, give Tracy peace today, tomorrow, and in the New Year that is just around the corner. Show her loving glimpses of You in the every day occurrences of her life. Take away her grief from loss and fill her heart with joy unspeakable and a new song. Asking in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, who came to earth as a baby, so that He could die for all sinners, me included. Amen!

  3. I know our traumas were very different, but I understand what you’re saying about replaying events. I did that for a long time. I can’t really pinpoint a time when it stopped.
    But it was quite a while. I replayed things that happened and thought things like “if I had just done this” or “why didn’t anyone do that”. It’s so hard. I know it’s tiresome and I’m sorry.

  4. Tracy, I agree with Barbara. There is nothing wrong with you, and I do believe the hormones of pregnancy are playing into this. It really has not been that long since she died. There is nothing wrong with reliving all kinds of moments with her. Some will be happy, pleasant ones. Some are bound to be “oh, if only I had handled that differently.” But you were a loving, caring daughter, and you did everything you could do that was humanly possible for her. We’ll always wish we did more, but even that would not have been enough. You must travel through each of the steps of the grief process. Sometimes you’ll take a step forward and then 2 steps backward, but take your time as you walk gently through. Stop and cry when you need to, but then think also of the wonderful times you had. Try to think of the little simple things that bring a smile to your face. Maybe begin a journal of all those fun things that bring those smiles. That’s a step in the right direction. And frankly for much of this it is simply going to take time. And that is OK. You will come out the other end with those happy bright moments looming bigger than the painful ones, and then the tears will be tears of joy. Give yourself time and don’t be impatient with yourself. Praying for you, my sweet friend. You are *such* an amazing woman. God bless you, Tracy!!

  5. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. I’ve really needed them. This has been a horrible, complicated part of the last year. Some days I wake up and just can’t shake these thoughts. I try and stay busy and just pray …sometimes, it’s just what I need to type out what I’m thinking and share. I guess that is why the Lord gives us good friends. <3

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