today

There are very few moments in life that take my breath.

I’m not talking in that exciting, kind of blissful way.

This is a ‘I feel like I’m going to be sick. I can’t breathe. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I can only weep’ kind of way.

The moments following Mama’s surgery, hearing her surgeon tell me what was wrong. Cutting her hair. Shaving her head. Watching her so brave taking that first chemo treatment. Pre-planning funerals.

Holding her hand in the floor that night.

Hearing my friend tell me she couldn’t find her pulse.

Having to step out of my front door to attend her funeral.

Seeing the earth over her grave.

Seeing her name carved on a piece of rock.

It has a beginning. Now it has an ending.

My whole being just aches.

My legs feel like they won’t hold my body some days.

With every ounce of strength I have, I smile at those I love. I go through the motions of daily life. I try to drown out what I have heard and what I have seen.

There are those moments that seem to fail me.

The truth is the Lord God is sovereign. He knew her days before she was born. He knew her heartache and He knew her sufferings- and He knows mine.

Her foot stone has arrived. After months of delays, it was placed this morning.

It was custom made to match my Great-Grandmother’s. Rubbings were made of her stone and they created my Mama’s.

We added “born anew” since that is, what she is, after all. It’s also what her name, “Renee” means (born anew, reborn, born again).

The Bible verses are those she chose to have engraved. How sweet the words. I’m happy to know she knew Him.

It’s been a long day. I’m typing through a broken heart and tearful face.

I loved my mama.

The days since her passing have seemed like such a blur.

I long to feel “normal” again.

Psalm 139:7-14

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.


1 comment

  1. Marcy August 29, 2013 at 2:27 am Reply

    I am so sorry. I remember going back to the cemetary to see my mom’s head stone. It was like a punch in the gut seeing her name. It is surreal and like a bad dream. There still are times that I think, “Ok, she has been gone long enough now. Game over!”
    Your mom’s marker is very pretty though. I like the meaningful things on it. We put baby feet on my mom’s to represent all of her years fighting in the pro-life movement.

Leave a Reply to Marcy Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *