A birthday gift from my dear friend, Christy.
This is one of the most precious gifts I have ever received. When I opened it, I was so touched, it was hard to sit through breakfast without crying.
She sits on my dresser now.
I am waking up tearful this morning. I’m able to make it through most days without crying now…and then like a wave, the sorrow rushes over me and I just have such a hard time making it stop.
I’ve lost grandparents. I’ve lost friends. This is so different. If you’ve not lost your mother, it’s just hard to explain.
These past months have left me feeling almost war-torn. We spoke of her death. We spoke of my future and that of my children. I watched her sick and hurt and there was nothing I could do. It was the loneliest I have felt in my entire life. I will never understand the days during the week of her death, nor the things that happened the week after. Grief is such a strange thing. I know that- but in the middle of having to accept what was happening to my mom, it just seems like too much to have to face everything else, too.
Now, my days are almost ALL filled with something regarding my mom. I’m STILL trying to work through the details of her taxes. I’m STILL trying to figure out why a foot marker I ordered three weeks after her death has yet to be delivered. I wonder each and every time I visit my grandmother if she will remember my mom is gone, or if she’ll ask how she is and why she has not come to visit. It all just seems like too much sometimes.
Most people seem surprised that there is still grief. (I can’t tell you how many have actually told me to “move on”.) Then, as if the Lord spoke to her heart, dear Marcy (who lost her mom just a short time before I lost mine), sends an email to check on me. She asks how I’m doing. She tells me she is still having bad days, too. It relieves my heart.
So today, I sat up in bed to say good morning to my dearest and just began to sob. I don’t even know why.
This morning, I am counting my blessings…and I do realize I have so many.
111. My life feels so complicated sometimes. People think it’s because we have so many children…actually, they are the most healing, beautiful part of my life. It’s more everything else. I am so INCREDIBLY grateful I am surrounded by such good friends- they listen and they have a heart to understand and comfort. Yesterday, I prayed (as always), that our home would be a ministry to those attending our fellowship. I think in the end, they were the ministry to me.
112. I’m so thankful for a very dear friend who loved on little Darby almost the entire time she was here. I think grandmas must just have a special way of holding little ones. She was just what Darby needed yesterday.
113. Big girls who come and hug me when they realize I’m hurting. I feel as if I soak up those hugs like a sponge right now.
114. Soft, falling rain this morning
115. Last night’s dream of Mama. She and I went to the movies. I placed my head on her shoulder and fell fast asleep. I woke up so rested and calmed. The Lord allows me this relief. It was so nice to see her.
116. My husband who listens and allows me to clear my mind of these memories. Some are so hard….feeling light-headed as the surgeon tells me my mama is not going to live much longer. Feeling like I’m going to be sick as I have to keep a brave face, but I’m so scared and so sad. Trying to be brave for family members as I have to tell them what the doctors are telling me. Laying in bed crying at night. Listening to her cry while I stand outside of a hospital room and nurses are having to remove surgical packing. Watching her be brave as her body is pumped full of poison that is supposed to fight this horrible disease, but instead is making her ill. She smiled and we would joke. We would both know these were not good things…at least not to our failing, human eyes. My husband listens as I share all of these things. My grief can not be contained. He prays for me. He loves me. I’m so thankful for him.
My dearest, Paul.
117. My father God- unlike my earthly father who walked away when I was young, will never leave. I feel him walking alongside. There are many of His blessings I see each day and so many I know I never see, but are still there. He gives me grace and comfort with each and every breath. There are tears, but there is not despair. There is sadness, but I am not without hope. My trust rests in Him.
I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
I will glory in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt his name together.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The Lord will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.